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Today, I am exactly 37 weeks pregnant. I woke up to a notification from my pregnancy app telling me that the baby is fully developed now. It further informed me that I am most likely feeling rather heavy and very tired. Yes, indeed!
Before this pregnancy I thought that it would be easier to grasp the fact that I was growing a human inside me that will soon be joining us earth-side. However, it is still mind-boggling. I am finding it as difficult to imagine that very soon there will be a little baby. We will have two children turning our lives upside down.
Lots of emotions
Parts of me feel anxious about this impending life change. I feel more confident looking after a baby but I also know now from experience how hard and overwhelming it can be to take care of a newborn. And there is also a toddler who needs attention!
But mostly I feel excited. Having SJ was the best thing I have ever done. Raising her is the highlight of my life. Yes, it is tiring and takes me to the limits of my patience but watching her grow up brings me the greatest joy. Also, she makes me laugh so so much.
To think that there will be another child to make my heart expand with love and wonder is such a wonderful prospect.
Thoughts at 37 weeks
Despite feeling mostly optimistic I do spend many hours each night lying awake with lots of thoughts in my head.
How will SJ adjust to being a big sister? She is pretty excited and talks lots about wanting to hold the baby. I am so looking forward to seeing her grow in love for her sibling. However, I also worry how she will feel about sharing my attention and time. What will her response be to seeing me breastfeed the baby? How will she adjust to not being our only child anymore?
Also, I wonder if I will ever sleep again. Probably not. But I am still praying that SJ will start sleeping through the night veeery soon.
When SJ was born I lost myself a bit in motherhood. Not in a bad way, it’s just a very consuming task. All my previous routines and habits were upended. I am hoping that I will manage to get into some sort of rhythm sooner with baby number two. That I can somehow make room to be me – read, knit, write.
During my first pregnancy I had extremely bad pelvic pain issues that continued for almost two years after having SJ. It has been very limiting. I can’t do a lot of lifting and many forms of exercise I had previously enjoyed no longer were possible. My prayer is that I will be able to run again one day. Hopefully within 2024. I miss it so much.
I really want to raise kind children. And I want to be a kind parent. To honour their dignity in the way I treat them and talk to and about them. I want to teach them the importance of boundaries by modeling healthy boundaries. Most of all, I want them to know that they are loved, no matter what. Which feels like the best job in the world and an impossible task at once.
Parenting exposes my flaws. It shows me where my capacity ends. And it means I need to rely on God. I want to get into the habit of asking for his help, grace and forgiveness. Not as a last resort but as a first port of call.
Let’s do this.
I still need to pack my hospital bag and we haven’t set up the baby bed yet. However, whether you come tomorrow or in 4 weeks – we are ready for you, little one. And so so excited to get to know you and love you forever.
This post is day 6 of my 12 days of blogmas challenge. You can learn more about it here.