10 min read
As it has been a while since I have had the time and energy to publish anything on here, I thought I‘d return with a little life update.
Overall, I am doing good! A bit sleep-deprived, lacking in time to myself, annoyed by the state of our home but honestly so grateful for my life and happy to be in this season.
Edd is extremely busy with work at the moment and had to go to the UK quite a lot over the last few weeks. We miss him a lot when he is away. I am excited for the upcoming Christmas break and some extended family time.
Lulu
Today, little Lulu is already 10 months old! She is still an absolute delight! She can now stand without holding on to anything for a few seconds and loves to walk around holding onto people’s hands. She “talks” lots and imitates sounds and is super hilarious.
Sibling love
Two kids is definitely more work than one but also a lot more fun. It takes a lot of restraint for me to not post daily photos and videos of SJ and Lulu together. They are just so cute together! When they wake up in the mornings they first want to cuddle each other, they love to play together and make each other laugh so much. It’s the best.
SJ
SJ has started Kindergarten in October. It wasn’t a super easy transition but she’s starting to feel at home there. I am always amazed how well she knows herself and is able to communicate her needs. When we have had very full, people-heavy days she often wants to stay home the next day. Saying things like “I don’t want to put no shoes and no jacket on today and only talk to you and sit on the sofa!”. How relatable!
I love the conversations we have. During our 12-minute drive this morning we talked about how babies can fit through vaginas when they are born and discussed the fact that God doesn’t need to sleep. And all that before 9 am!
Thoughts on motherhood
Motherhood is such a peculiar experience. So full of joy but it stretches you to your limits. I am growing in patience and learning to live in the moment. Often, I feel so full of love and gratitude I think I will burst.
But there are also moments when I lament what I lost by becoming a mother. It feels like all I was has been swallowed by this role of mother.
What did I used to talk to people about? All my stories revolve around my children.
What did I used to think about? My brain capacity is completely taken up by this humongous task of keeping them alive and guiding them towards becoming kind and compassionate humans.
During the weeks when Edd is in the UK the only child-free hours I have are during the evenings. By then I am so tired. I try and reset our space while listening to political podcasts or audiobooks or theological talks. Then I sit on the sofa, reading or knitting or maybe even playing the piano – attempts to be me. Right now these hours are frequently interrupted by our teething baby who wakes up every hour or two. I usually stay up too late, so tired yet so desperate for some space on my own.
Despite often feeling like a fragment of my former self, I am mostly content. Happy even, maybe happier than I have ever been.
Mothering feels so purposeful. I can increasingly see that I have gained more than I lost. I like who I am becoming – as much as I am forming my children they are shaping me. Into a more passionate and courageous woman, kinder, wiser and surer of myself. Returning to who I used to be is nonsense – neither possible nor desirable.
Church
After some time of healing and re-calibrating and re-orienting we have finally settled in a local church! It’s been so wonderful. When we walked in the first time it felt like coming home. It’s been a huge joy to get stuck in, get to know people and worship with others.
It had felt sad and vulnerable to be without a church community for so long. But I think it was also healthy after so many years of being so involved. Who are we without church? What remains of our marriage and our individual relationships with Jesus without our ministry? Those were important questions to explore. Breaks are okay and good but they should come to an end eventually.
Hobbies and such
As mentioned, time for myself and my hobbies has been rather scarce this year. However, I know that making things is essential for me. My mental health suffers when I don’t create something for a long period of time.
Also, taking time to garden, to sew, to sing or to write is a physical proclamation that I matter. My contributions matter. They are worth time and energy.
So, I continue to try to use the fringe hours and the margins and the bleary-eyed evenings and create. Even if projects get abandoned or fail or take forever to be completed. I keep showing up.
Gardening
The garden is a good example of something that feels like a failure. My garden was pretty much completely kept alive by my mother this year. I sometimes didn’t even manage to harvest things before they spoilt or froze to death.
This is kind of depressing for me. Gardening is something I really want to do and learn and get better at. I want my children to grow up with an understanding and respect for food and the earth but right now it’s just a bit too much.
I am hoping that there will be other seasons and spaces where growing some of our own food will be a more realistic goal.
Books
After a bit of a reading slump during spring and early summer I have gotten back into the groove! I have read 36 books so far this this year which was my target for 2024. Meaning, I will likely surpass my reading goal, which feels nice!
I have found some absolutely wonderful books lately and reading will forever be one of my favourite hobbies. It expands my horizon and my soul.
Creative projects
I started sewing a dress a number of months ago but never made it past the first few seams. I just didn’t have the energy or brain space.
There has been some slow progress on a few knitting projects however. I had finished knitting my Copenhagen Cardigan but the pockets were too high up and I didn’t like how that looked. So I frogged most of the body and now I am back to being about halfway done… but that’s ok!
Besides that I have been knitting on a blanket which is also a slow progressing project but I’m enjoying it.
Otherwise, I have been getting back to playing a little bit of piano and guitar which has been lovely. I haven’t done any serious practice but it’s so nice to play around and just enjoy myself and the music.
I am worried.
So, as I said in the beginning, overall I am actually doing really good.
Like so many others though, I do feel worried about the state of our world. It makes me mad that Trump got elected. It’s sometimes difficult for me to know what to do with my anger over the fact that a guy who is openly misogynistic and racist has so much power.
I don’t understand why the EU isn’t doing more to help Ukraine win this war. I don’t know why we don’t stop the killing in Gaza. And I feel sick when I read that in 2024 us stupid humans emitted more CO2 than ever before in history.
What will become of us? God, have mercy.
We keep on going
But, we have no choice – we keep going.
I keep teaching my daughters that they have worth and value, that their voices matter even if there are people who want to dismiss us for our lack of penises.
I keep on trying to live with respect for the earth, to limit the resources we use, to simplify.
I keep on trying to model kindness and compassion, even towards people who disagree with me.
I keep on prioritising reading and learning and creating and being in nature and connecting with people because that’s what makes us human.
I fail, all the time. But I try again.
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