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I am turning 34 today! I love celebrating birthdays and I really enjoy using these markers of time as opportunities for some reflection.
Where am I? What does life look like right now? What am I dreaming of? Am I happy?
One year ago
On my last birthday I was 5 months pregnant. As we were expecting another child, big changes were on the horizon but at that moment in time I felt settled. I had gotten used to this life – living back in the neighbourhood I grew up in, balancing work and motherhood, somehow making time for creativity and maintaining relationships.
I celebrated my 33rd birthday in England, catching up with old friends, going to a Yarn festival and enjoying being in the country that was my home for so many significant years of my and our life.
I felt like myself.
Which to me, is the best possible state of mind. My goal in life is not to always feel happy. Happiness is of course nice, but life isn’t always a merry affair – there are moments of grief, sadness and anger. But to feel like me in all those emotions is what I hope for.
Right now
In the last 12 months life has changed a lot – little Lu was born! All the clichés were true and she expanded my heart in ways I didn’t know possible.
Lu is an extremely happy infant, and as far as babies go very uncomplicated. However, this first year is still so intense. So many demands on my body, my emotions, my mind.
Being a mother of two is wonderful, even better than of one. But it is hard, too. I’m simultaneously so content and completely overwhelmed. Being a mother to these girls is the most fulfilling thing I have done in life so far and yet it leaves me completely depleted.
All my energy and time is spent on them. My mother heart tells me that it’s supposed to be this wat. But the parts of me that are just me – not mother – scream in protest.
What about rest? What about thinking a cohesive thought? What about a career? What about your hobbies, your friends, your intelligence, your interests?
Right now, despite being very happy in so many ways, I often don’t feel like me. I feel like an entity that exists to fulfil needs. Mothering is so full of sacrifice. And once all my resources are spent, it is me who becomes the offering.
And then, when I am faced with the possibility of an interesting conversation I have nothing to say. No stories to tell other than cute or funny things my children said and did. No other answer than “tired” when asked “how are you?”
I’m full of hope
However, I am full of hope. I know this time is a season that will eventually pass. This precious baby phase with all its intense joy and exhaustion is so fleeting.
I know I will find myself again. And I will ache for all these sweet moments of lying squashed between my children, unable to sleep because I am way too uncomfortable and also so overwhelmed by my luck I could weep.
My dreams for the year ahead
Despite everything I just said I think I am living my dream. I never thought before having children that motherhood was my dream, but I think it is.
My desire is to get back to a place where I can be mother and still me. Somehow manage to meet the needs of my family without forsaking myself.
I want to write and create things and share them with the world.
My repeated prayer is to grow closer to God. To know his love and his ways.
I want to invest into friendships, read as many books as possible, eat good food, sit in the sunshine, enjoy music and be a kind person.
Maybe I lack ambition? Or do I want to much?
Either way, I don’t care. It’s my birthday after all.
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