Something is not quite right. My chest feels like there is so much in there, like it might explode. Sometimes I feel like this. I know something is up, but I don’t have the ability to express it.
I think it has to do with that though – with expressing. I want to express myself more. And I think I deny myself that. I feel that this need to tell my story, to comment, to always give my piece of mind – like that is a symptom of unhealthy hubris. (Come on, I mean who uses words like hubris?) Sometimes I feel like this generation – us millennials, we feel this wrong sense of entitlement. We are infected with youthful arrogance, we think we have it figured out, we take ourselves to serious, think we’re too important. And in my desire to not be like that I make myself small. I hunker down, I ignore my desires, my feelings, the artsy things inside me that cry out: “Make me! Let me out!”
I think I have been like that for a while. I have learned that feelings are not reality. So I tend to ignore them. Feelings are like clouds – only because they are there, it does not mean that there is anything wrong with the sun. And so I don’t examine my feelings and think, ‘oh my heart is trying to say something’. I just think, ‘oh hey there clouds/feelings – hopefully you will leave soon’. And I just wait for them to pass. I don’t do anything about it. I don’t analyse the clouds. Which means that sometimes I get caught in the rain. I am getting to metaphorical now, aren’t I?
Well, but I also think – if someone else was me and I would listen to all this, I would say: Your voice is valuable. Your point of view, your experience, your life is unique. There is nothing wrong with wanting to express yourself. It is okay to do that.
And I have heard that saying things out loud is beneficial – so right now I say: Britta, it is okay. You are allowed to express yourself.
Sing the song. Write the story. Film the video. Take the picture.
Be loud. Be obnoxious. Be different. (Or be like all the other people just in your own unique way).
You are allowed!
As I am writing this, I think that maybe even if I do suffer from hubris it is even more important to put my thoughts out there so that I can get a response. Start a conversation which will hopefully help me to critically reflect on those same old patterns of thought.
I think this might not make any sense. But I am posting it anyway. And who knows maybe some of you out there who read this need to hear this as well. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO EXPRESS YOURSELF. So go do the thing you meant to be doing.